I Told You I Was Ill

I told you I was ill

It’s midday and I am lying in bed with more drugs raging through my system than an aging rocker on a day trip to Pfizer’s world-renowned research lab. I have acute bronchitis. It is day eight. I wouldn’t mind so much, but it‘s the second bout in two months and what’s worse … it’s my office Christmas party tonight.

While friends and colleagues are reaching for their most festive bib and tucker, the postman is attempting to deliver yet another box of golf shoes through the front door. Only trouble is, every time I attempt a get-out-of-bed vertical manoeuvre, a drug induced head spin kicks in, resulting in an unseemly coughing fit which upsets the predictably unruffled pooch next door and drives our once hardcore postie to seek sanctuary at number 130.

And it is at house number 130 where approximately seven immaculately wrapped boxes of golf shoes await me. It could be more. It could be less. I stopped counting after purchase five.

Boredom has reached crisis level. My head is an atrocious mess. The bed-hair is so much worse. Music stings my ears. Reading hurts my eyes. The death rattle that is my chest chimes to the sound of sweet surrender. I’ve substituted Pinot Grigio Provincia Di Pavia for Tesco’s semi-skimmed milk. I’m living in some sort of fresh hell. It’s a dizzying time.

This happy young being who spent the summer romping with her chums in the fens and spinneys when the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent flame … now reduced to semi-skimmed milk. I have become the calcium conscious, hot water bottle clutching Darth Vader of SW20.

But with the above in mind, a master class if you will, on how to stay aglow with positivity in just two words: golf shoes. Now if you just hang on in there, the meaning will shine through.

As the redoubtable and shoe-loving First Lady of the Philippines, Imelda Marcos, once said, “They went into my closets looking for skeletons, but thank God, all they found were shoes, beautiful shoes.”

She may have been no golfer, nor much of a First Lady for that matter. But when she was wasn’t trying to wipe out poverty or justify her mass racketeering, embezzlement, corruption and fraud charges, she bought shoes, lots and lots of shoes … because it made her feel better.

“People say I’m extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?” she said. Or in my case tissues. And who can blame the woman.

It is true that our Imelda may not have been as taken with my awesome new range of fairway-busting foot attire. But that day will come when they go into my closet, and when they do, I defy them not to be humbled and vaguely cheered by the 2014 Nike Ladies Delight V winter collection.

A cautionary tale admittedly, but self-denial is such a wonderfully powerful thing.

Nike Golf Ladies Shoes

14 Comments on “I Told You I Was Ill

  1. Well, you want to live in that climate you will have to put up with the occasional bout of respiratory ailment. You could live in the best climate in the world and get your golf shoes delivered from Amazon. When the South African post office is working and less a small deduction from ZIMRA.

  2. Emmmm well that didn’t last long – hear ‘le vin blanc’ came into play on Saturday night – or should that be Sunday morning!

  3. As a fellow sufferer, although one who world sooner embrace death’s most venomous sting, than sidle down to Tesco’s and wrestle with the great unwashed over a Yuletide litre of semi-skimmed milk, may I commend MyJoys as a simply wondrous way of alleviating fever induced tedium. I am torn between the pink, grey and white trainer and the royal blue, sky blue and white for this Spring’s must have look on the links. I suspect I shall be ordering both!

    Love the story. Glad to hear that you are rallying. Time for a Marlboro Light? Or is the convalescence not that well advanced yet?

    • Mr Killick, knowing what a hardy soul you are despite haemorrhaging through your eyes, I suggest the following: drugs, drugs, drugs plus 1x hot water bottle. Colour optional. Once drugged up and roasty toasty warm, get credit card and laptop and spend, spend, spend on a new winter collection of funky golfing foot attire. It worked for me!

  4. Get well soon!!!
    Can’t believe you’re still so unwell. Poor wee you.
    Hopefully you’ll be back on the PG soon……..

    Sent from my iPad


  5. Don’t even think of making an appearance at WPGC – you will be sent straight back to bed!! I really hope you get well soon. All this is very out of character H Bomb! Patti.x

    • Wouldn’t dream of it. Parentals are coming to town later for some TLC. Not sure they’ll be tempted by the semi-skimmed though. Play well and lurve to the WPGC gals x

      • Yes it is, we keep playing around with it. I am not sure if I like it as it is, but will wait until after Christmas before messing around with it again.
        Merry Christmas


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