2012: Year of the Cold War
There’s something about the start of the pro golf season that sparks new realms of excitement in me.
Notwithstanding my juvenile crush on the G-Mac, it is more a yearning to dust down my clubs and follow in the footsteps of Tiger’s comeback after a lengthy period in hibernation. Inspired by involuntary chunks of free time and watching the golfing greats lock horns under an Abu Dhabi sun, I decided it was time for a seasonal revival of my own. It’s no secret that my lifelong passion for the game is all consuming, only not during mid winter months. Unashamedly a fair-weather golfer, I generally hold out for eternal sunshine which is a staggeringly pointless exercise given my residence is well north of the equator.
But not so the case in 2012, I summoned a few valiant chums and braced myself for a transcendent experience. Resembling a modern day Mitchelin Man’s trophy wife bulked up on base layers and unsightly thermals, my mind perpetuated a tropical fantasy like some supercilious fool.
Cutting a less than dashing figure, I set off down the fairway floating in the soup of my own random thoughts. A heady feeling of tranquility eclipsed only by the emergence of a certain numbness in my limbs. Plummeting temperatures and icy winds played havoc with my fragile circulation. My face developed a curious yet radiant glow, five ungloved fingers turned a shade of mauve and I sensed a fading heartbeat. With a rusty back swing and shy follow through it felt like a matter of time before my arms snapped off like a twig.
Not dissimilar to a scene from a Coen brother’s film, my carcass experienced its very own urban unrest. It was all I could do to putt out on the 18th securing a pyrrhic victory. A hollow satisfaction which left me bruised and bemused by the whole arctic experience.
My first round of golf this year was a bust, but I’ve since had time to regroup in the warmth of my centrally heated lodgings and here’s my theory. With the big freeze sweeping into Britain today, it is either embrace the elements or embrace the Middle East.
Anyone for golf?